Why do I still go to church? Many of my friends ask the question… and many of my friends don’t go to church any more. Today it’s me who’s doing the asking…
Church is hard for me as I’ve come to realize that many people in my church family are a paralyzing force in my need to be transparent and real. It can be a truly hostile environment for both me and my husband, but we have no alternative place to go. It’s much easier to stay positive, and close to the God who loves me with no strings attached, if I just stay home where it’s warm and inviting. Sometimes I do…
Yet Eddy and I seem to have found our place, sitting in the overflow room where the timid, the misunderstood or unappreciated tend to gather, and slip out before the last hymn; hoping to avoid being noticed. We bring our church toys even though we have no more kids, and pass them out to family’s with children seated about us who are often time visitors. This seems to make church more enjoyable for both of us.
God has blessed me with a love of good music. Although for some, the word good is debatable, this represents a big part of my turmoil I’m feeling right now. I cannot be involved in a way that is meaningful to me, cause I’ve been stamped unapproved. My music; the way through which God speaks to my soul, has been said to be wrong and distasteful. I’ve recently started singing at church again, but only those songs deemed proper by someone else’s standards.
The curse of criticism, (as Eddy refers to it) I think is at the core of me not being able to always feel confident of who God made me to be… to be comfortable in letting people see the real me; in opening myself up to others, even ones who I know are safe. It’s been a life time of conditioning, and now God has been very busy being my protector when I let him… but I don’t always remember to let him.
The even harder part of all this, is seeing other’s who God has brought to my church, who don’t fit in even more obviously than I. I’m not so worried about the ones who do fit in; my heart goes out to the young, the artistic, the musically talented, the sensitive ones who are looking for a little compassion and understanding. (As well as truth, of course!) I so badly want to protect them from the people who have been so judgmental and hurtful and caused so much harm to others in the past, but there’s not a whole lot I can do…
…or is there?
God plunked a bible verse that I’ve never even memorized into my head last week. I love it when He does that… “From death unto life!” were the words that strongly came to my mind while I was finishing up my sculpture. I came home, googled them and found them to be from 1 John 3:14. “We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death.” I believe God put this on my heart, because even though I didn’t initially realize it when I set out to do this project; these words are exactly what my sculpture portrayed… For me, often times “the brethern” are the hardest ones to love… the ones on the platform, and sitting in the front pews with in my family of God. This must be why I still go to church…
Jesus, please help me to love the way You do. The very ones who spat on You and ultimately put You to death, You loved anyway… Your father God sent You here because He sooo loved… People who don’t even realize what harm they are doing; You still love. This is a rare love that’s hard to understand, yet one that You showed brings life. This is what I want… a Love that brings Life!
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February 8, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Lyndah
Eloyce, I can’t think of a thing to say, except, “Amen and amen!” The last time I sat in our little church I felt a quiet but deep sorrow….As the church leaders (and there’s very few, even of those, left) stood up front trying, still, to revive a dying church, my heart quietly whispered, “It’s already dead. Go home. Go home with your families and seek your God like you’ve never sought Him before. When He is abiding in your hearts, come back and gather together, and you will have something.” Not criticism. Not a “holier-than-thou” attitude. I’ve been there, right where they are. The only reason “I can see clearly now” (and I truly can’t – none of us can – I just see this one little tidbit that I didn’t see before) is because I am walking a deep, dark valley which, by it’s very nature, strips away all pretense, leaving transparency in it’s place….leaving a heart filled with pain, true, but one that can finally seek God as it never has before. I, too, cry out to God for HIS love, for I know that in and of myself there is not one good thing. And if, for now, God calls you and Eddy to sit quietly in the back pew, to minister to young families with your collections of Sabbath toys (a very valuable ministry, indeed!), and with the sense of HIS love shining through you towards those for whom you pray silently during church, this is an incredible ministry. I pray He will lead you to an opportunity to minister and worship more fully in His time, and according to His will, but that He will continue to strengthen and uphold you right where you are, and that we will each KNOW the will of God, in His time.